Birthdays

Hi again,
Well yesterday I recieved something in the mail reminding me about my upcoming birthday. It was a bday coupon for a free birthday meal at Tony Romas that I get every year. My birthday is still a month away mind you but it always comes early for some reason. Last year was the first year I felt depressed about my birthday. Apparently according to my brother in law I am suffering from a quarter life crisis. lol Jokes aside I think it is more serious than that. I am not afraid to say I am turning 27 this year and I know I am a girl and I am supposed to not want to share my age but I don't care. lol I think I am getting depressed about my birthday because of where I am in life differs from where I want to be in life. I had such big plans for my life and as of yet they have not even begun to happen. Instead I am dealing with things that were never factored into my plans -like my health. As you may or may not know, I was forced to quit working in late 2004 because I just physically and mentally could not handle it. The physical problems I was having contributed to me almost crashing emotionally because it was sort of the last straw in a series of stuff that was happening. I will not get into this but in short, I had chronic pain that just got so bad that it made it hard to work. I have had chronic pain most of my life but I could push through and force myself to keep going up until 2004. I was working full time at Save On Foods and I had also started up my own business which was part of one of my plans for my life. I was hoping to transition to cutting back on hours at the store and being able to focus more on my business but my body had other plans. I had to give up working at the store as well as my business that was doing good. I felt as if my world crashed down around me. Anyways fast forward to today and I have gone through so much and 2 back surgeries and physio and recovery and retraining my muscles to move in new ways now that I have a fused spine. I have been through so much looking back but it is not what I had planned and I still have to live at home due to being too weak in many ways to be on my own and I have very little money and I am approaching 30. I had planned to have my own business and have my own place and be helping others through volunteering and possibly mission trips. I even planned to have my own car! lol I never had plans for anything grand-just to be independant and be able to help others which I love to do. I also had hoped to have a family or at least a boyfriend by now. Isn't it funny how plans don't always work out the way we plan? I think it is safe to say that we all wish they would but I also know that sometimes we get thrown curve balls that teach us far more than we would have learned otherwise. I am not happy where I am and each birthday reminds me of it and I wonder if I had pushed myself harder if I would be in a different place than I am. I wonder if it is my fault I am not where I wanted to be-after all, doesn't everyone have stuff like this that they have to deal with? Yet other people are further ahead and I know I should not compare myself to others but it can be difficult not to. If it seems like I am contradicting myself in this post-I probably am because I am continually fighting with myself to be happy with what I have but I also feel sad about what I wish I had. I just want a life where I can be working and living on my own and that it isn't so hard to do that. If I push myself harder through the pain, will it benefit me? Or will I only get so far before I crash again from exhaustion? I am in a far better place than I was even 6months ago but I still deal with pain and being exhausted from being out and about for a couple hours. Not even enough for a part time shift and I am exhausted for 2days. It seems though that the more I push myself, the more behind I get because I get so exhausted and in so much pain that I can't continue. I know I get farther if I pace myself and yet I have a hard time with that because I think in my head that I should be doing more. I guess this doesn't seem to have so much to do with birthdays but the frustration they bring up each time they come around. One thing for sure-I will not stop pushing myself because I do not give up. That is not an option or even words in my vocabulary. Thanks for listening.