Hi again,
Well I am looking at the title of this post and actually find my lame attempt of a title kind of funny! lol I want to talk about the curveballs that affect either the entire course of our life or maybe just the next few days. Curveballs that change our plans and our future. Things that happen that we are less than thrilled to see happen. I think we have all had these things happen several times in our lives and in a way it is just a part of life but it can be frustrating. I guess I am thinking about this because I have just been sent another wee little curveball that affects the next few days. Yesterday I started getting pain in my right shoulder and at first I figured it was a spasm of some kind. But it is sharp and doesn't really go away which is different from the usual spasms I get in my back. Then last night I had my leg fall asleep and it just would not wake up. At first I didn't even think there could possibly be a link between the two but there may be. Overnight my leg woke up and now I am left with quite alot of pain and now wishing I wasn't so gung ho on my leg waking up. lol But based on the stuff going on-it seems more nerve related than spasm related. I am seeing my specialist again on March 16 so that is perfect timing in some ways. So between my back and my leg I will probably be stuck in bed again a fair bit of the next few days. haha just when I was planning to try finish off my room and possibly try skating again. The timing is not great but what can I do? My room will have to wait and it will be there to finish when I can get back to it. The skating-well hopefully Bower Ponds has not thawed out before I can get another chance to try skating again. lol One great positive out of all this-I have more time to read! I love to read and currently I am reading a book that is incredibly fascinating and will have to share in another post. But one thing I have learned is that when we are tossed a curveball in life, we have to readjust our plans and just go with it in a way. Resisting it and refusing to accept it will just make us unhappy and possibly cause more pain. I could get all mad about being stuck in bed again but what good would it do? I would just be miserable. So I am going to look at the positive in this and that is I have more time for books! Also more cuddle time with my cat. lol It isn't a picnic to have to rest alot and to go through the pain so I don't need to add being mad to it too right? There are so many things I would rather be doing obviously but I am learning that sometimes there are curveballs and we have to just be flexible and try to find the positive in it. Otherwise we will just be incredibly unhappy and annoyed and frustrated. I am not perfect and I do feel annoyed about this but I will get over it. I have a really good book waiting and my time will not be totally wasted. So if you do not hear from me for a few days-I am just busy getting through what ever this is and also enjoying my good book! lol
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Weather and People's moods
Hi again,
Well the weather this week has got me thinking about how much the weather affects our moods. The first half of this week we had so much fog and on Tuesday especially it was so thick that when we went for groceries, we could barely see the ditch on the side of the road. Fog is really bad for making me and most likely others feel so isolated and almost alone. I look out my window and all I see is this thick wall of white. I go outside and it can seem so eerily quiet because all I hear is the crunching of the snow under my boots as I walk. Even the birds will be silent sometimes. I know that I am not alone of course but thick fog can affect me like that. Also when you interact with people when the weather is bad, everyone seems sort of glum. Then there is the sunshine that comes and wow people just perk right up! Sunshine is so wonderful and even more so when we have had days and days of yucky weather, either snow or rain. So when the sun came out a couple of days ago I noticed that change in people's moods where everyone just seemed to get so happy-including me! Also I was able to see far into the distance again and see the neighbors and trees and so on. I used to be a cashier and it was interesting observing people's moods as the weather would make a noticable change because it seemed to affect pretty much every person. It makes me wonder why weather has such an effect on us? I really don't have the answer but I just thought I would put the question out there. Thanks again for reading!
Well the weather this week has got me thinking about how much the weather affects our moods. The first half of this week we had so much fog and on Tuesday especially it was so thick that when we went for groceries, we could barely see the ditch on the side of the road. Fog is really bad for making me and most likely others feel so isolated and almost alone. I look out my window and all I see is this thick wall of white. I go outside and it can seem so eerily quiet because all I hear is the crunching of the snow under my boots as I walk. Even the birds will be silent sometimes. I know that I am not alone of course but thick fog can affect me like that. Also when you interact with people when the weather is bad, everyone seems sort of glum. Then there is the sunshine that comes and wow people just perk right up! Sunshine is so wonderful and even more so when we have had days and days of yucky weather, either snow or rain. So when the sun came out a couple of days ago I noticed that change in people's moods where everyone just seemed to get so happy-including me! Also I was able to see far into the distance again and see the neighbors and trees and so on. I used to be a cashier and it was interesting observing people's moods as the weather would make a noticable change because it seemed to affect pretty much every person. It makes me wonder why weather has such an effect on us? I really don't have the answer but I just thought I would put the question out there. Thanks again for reading!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wonderful Women's Wednesday!!!
Hi again,
Well I should have commented on this yesterday but I was too busy watching our Canadian Women athletes win medals yesterday. lol WOW I am so happy for our women athletes who won medals yesterday!!! They won 4 medals yesterday!!!!! One bronze, 2 silver and one gold! They were absolutely on fire and it was so much fun watching the Olympics yesterday. It is fun watching the Olympics everyday but to see so many medals won in one day by our women athletes makes it pretty amazing! Our Women's hockey team plays tonight in the final also and they should win! But I don't want to say they will for sure because you never know what can happen right? Anyways that is going to be an amazing game-the women's hockey team never dissapoints! Also we have Joanie skating today in figure skating and she might win a medal as well and I really hope she does because she really deserves it!
Plus I should mention that I was very surprised and pleased with the men's hockey team as well. Our men's team won against Russia 7-3 which is also very amazing because in the last 50yrs our men's team has not won against Russia/Soviet once. I was so very surprised because the last game against the Americans was so bad and sloppy that it was an embarrassment and the other games they played were not much better despite them winning those games. I sort of was losing faith in our men's team but last night they did extremely well and surprised me so much! They were passing the puck very well and playing as a team and finding the net and they even had less penalties so I am impressed. As is the rest of Canada I think. I have heard so many jokes about the men's team after their recent performance that I think most Canadians were feeling basically the same as me. So let's hope our men's team keeps it up and doesn't fall asleep again and get sloppy again.
Well I should have commented on this yesterday but I was too busy watching our Canadian Women athletes win medals yesterday. lol WOW I am so happy for our women athletes who won medals yesterday!!! They won 4 medals yesterday!!!!! One bronze, 2 silver and one gold! They were absolutely on fire and it was so much fun watching the Olympics yesterday. It is fun watching the Olympics everyday but to see so many medals won in one day by our women athletes makes it pretty amazing! Our Women's hockey team plays tonight in the final also and they should win! But I don't want to say they will for sure because you never know what can happen right? Anyways that is going to be an amazing game-the women's hockey team never dissapoints! Also we have Joanie skating today in figure skating and she might win a medal as well and I really hope she does because she really deserves it!
Plus I should mention that I was very surprised and pleased with the men's hockey team as well. Our men's team won against Russia 7-3 which is also very amazing because in the last 50yrs our men's team has not won against Russia/Soviet once. I was so very surprised because the last game against the Americans was so bad and sloppy that it was an embarrassment and the other games they played were not much better despite them winning those games. I sort of was losing faith in our men's team but last night they did extremely well and surprised me so much! They were passing the puck very well and playing as a team and finding the net and they even had less penalties so I am impressed. As is the rest of Canada I think. I have heard so many jokes about the men's team after their recent performance that I think most Canadians were feeling basically the same as me. So let's hope our men's team keeps it up and doesn't fall asleep again and get sloppy again.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Birthdays
Hi again,
Well yesterday I recieved something in the mail reminding me about my upcoming birthday. It was a bday coupon for a free birthday meal at Tony Romas that I get every year. My birthday is still a month away mind you but it always comes early for some reason. Last year was the first year I felt depressed about my birthday. Apparently according to my brother in law I am suffering from a quarter life crisis. lol Jokes aside I think it is more serious than that. I am not afraid to say I am turning 27 this year and I know I am a girl and I am supposed to not want to share my age but I don't care. lol I think I am getting depressed about my birthday because of where I am in life differs from where I want to be in life. I had such big plans for my life and as of yet they have not even begun to happen. Instead I am dealing with things that were never factored into my plans -like my health. As you may or may not know, I was forced to quit working in late 2004 because I just physically and mentally could not handle it. The physical problems I was having contributed to me almost crashing emotionally because it was sort of the last straw in a series of stuff that was happening. I will not get into this but in short, I had chronic pain that just got so bad that it made it hard to work. I have had chronic pain most of my life but I could push through and force myself to keep going up until 2004. I was working full time at Save On Foods and I had also started up my own business which was part of one of my plans for my life. I was hoping to transition to cutting back on hours at the store and being able to focus more on my business but my body had other plans. I had to give up working at the store as well as my business that was doing good. I felt as if my world crashed down around me. Anyways fast forward to today and I have gone through so much and 2 back surgeries and physio and recovery and retraining my muscles to move in new ways now that I have a fused spine. I have been through so much looking back but it is not what I had planned and I still have to live at home due to being too weak in many ways to be on my own and I have very little money and I am approaching 30. I had planned to have my own business and have my own place and be helping others through volunteering and possibly mission trips. I even planned to have my own car! lol I never had plans for anything grand-just to be independant and be able to help others which I love to do. I also had hoped to have a family or at least a boyfriend by now. Isn't it funny how plans don't always work out the way we plan? I think it is safe to say that we all wish they would but I also know that sometimes we get thrown curve balls that teach us far more than we would have learned otherwise. I am not happy where I am and each birthday reminds me of it and I wonder if I had pushed myself harder if I would be in a different place than I am. I wonder if it is my fault I am not where I wanted to be-after all, doesn't everyone have stuff like this that they have to deal with? Yet other people are further ahead and I know I should not compare myself to others but it can be difficult not to. If it seems like I am contradicting myself in this post-I probably am because I am continually fighting with myself to be happy with what I have but I also feel sad about what I wish I had. I just want a life where I can be working and living on my own and that it isn't so hard to do that. If I push myself harder through the pain, will it benefit me? Or will I only get so far before I crash again from exhaustion? I am in a far better place than I was even 6months ago but I still deal with pain and being exhausted from being out and about for a couple hours. Not even enough for a part time shift and I am exhausted for 2days. It seems though that the more I push myself, the more behind I get because I get so exhausted and in so much pain that I can't continue. I know I get farther if I pace myself and yet I have a hard time with that because I think in my head that I should be doing more. I guess this doesn't seem to have so much to do with birthdays but the frustration they bring up each time they come around. One thing for sure-I will not stop pushing myself because I do not give up. That is not an option or even words in my vocabulary. Thanks for listening.
Well yesterday I recieved something in the mail reminding me about my upcoming birthday. It was a bday coupon for a free birthday meal at Tony Romas that I get every year. My birthday is still a month away mind you but it always comes early for some reason. Last year was the first year I felt depressed about my birthday. Apparently according to my brother in law I am suffering from a quarter life crisis. lol Jokes aside I think it is more serious than that. I am not afraid to say I am turning 27 this year and I know I am a girl and I am supposed to not want to share my age but I don't care. lol I think I am getting depressed about my birthday because of where I am in life differs from where I want to be in life. I had such big plans for my life and as of yet they have not even begun to happen. Instead I am dealing with things that were never factored into my plans -like my health. As you may or may not know, I was forced to quit working in late 2004 because I just physically and mentally could not handle it. The physical problems I was having contributed to me almost crashing emotionally because it was sort of the last straw in a series of stuff that was happening. I will not get into this but in short, I had chronic pain that just got so bad that it made it hard to work. I have had chronic pain most of my life but I could push through and force myself to keep going up until 2004. I was working full time at Save On Foods and I had also started up my own business which was part of one of my plans for my life. I was hoping to transition to cutting back on hours at the store and being able to focus more on my business but my body had other plans. I had to give up working at the store as well as my business that was doing good. I felt as if my world crashed down around me. Anyways fast forward to today and I have gone through so much and 2 back surgeries and physio and recovery and retraining my muscles to move in new ways now that I have a fused spine. I have been through so much looking back but it is not what I had planned and I still have to live at home due to being too weak in many ways to be on my own and I have very little money and I am approaching 30. I had planned to have my own business and have my own place and be helping others through volunteering and possibly mission trips. I even planned to have my own car! lol I never had plans for anything grand-just to be independant and be able to help others which I love to do. I also had hoped to have a family or at least a boyfriend by now. Isn't it funny how plans don't always work out the way we plan? I think it is safe to say that we all wish they would but I also know that sometimes we get thrown curve balls that teach us far more than we would have learned otherwise. I am not happy where I am and each birthday reminds me of it and I wonder if I had pushed myself harder if I would be in a different place than I am. I wonder if it is my fault I am not where I wanted to be-after all, doesn't everyone have stuff like this that they have to deal with? Yet other people are further ahead and I know I should not compare myself to others but it can be difficult not to. If it seems like I am contradicting myself in this post-I probably am because I am continually fighting with myself to be happy with what I have but I also feel sad about what I wish I had. I just want a life where I can be working and living on my own and that it isn't so hard to do that. If I push myself harder through the pain, will it benefit me? Or will I only get so far before I crash again from exhaustion? I am in a far better place than I was even 6months ago but I still deal with pain and being exhausted from being out and about for a couple hours. Not even enough for a part time shift and I am exhausted for 2days. It seems though that the more I push myself, the more behind I get because I get so exhausted and in so much pain that I can't continue. I know I get farther if I pace myself and yet I have a hard time with that because I think in my head that I should be doing more. I guess this doesn't seem to have so much to do with birthdays but the frustration they bring up each time they come around. One thing for sure-I will not stop pushing myself because I do not give up. That is not an option or even words in my vocabulary. Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
YAY for COUPONS and SALES!!!
Hi again,
I love coupons so much! It is so much fun when you are able to combine a sale with a coupon and get something free. Today I got 3 packages of Egg Creations Eggs for free and 1 package for .25! These normally cost close to 3.00 I think. They are not cheap and normally I can't afford them so I am eating fancy eggs for a bit!! YAY! I also found SideKicks on clearance for .59 and used a .25 coupon on them to get three for 1.00!! Usually the sale price for Sidekicks is 1.00 so this was so exciting! Plus my mom and I saw two carts where people didn't take out the Loonies so we got two loonies also! YAY! Who doesn't love free money? lol Plus I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and got LIfe Brand Lactaids for 9.99 each and would normally cost about 17.99 so I saved almost half! On Sunday my parents went to Safeway and got 2 packages of Hot Dog buns for .50 each (retail 3.00 normally) and 2 packages mini cupcakes for .50 (retail about 3.00?) and Strudals for .50 (easily normaly 3.00) and Pizza shells for .50 (retail-who knows?) We have been eating very well lately! This is how we afford to eat! lol I don't think we ever pay full price-I don't think we could afford to. So just the Safeway trip on Sunday my parents saved 15-20.00! Last week I went to Safeway and spent 13.00 and it would have cost 39.00! But personally who ever pays full price at Safeway is odd because Safeway's prices are inflated. Sorry lately we have been doing good on groceries which is good because money is tight. I like to share when we have found great deals because it is so exciting!
I love coupons so much! It is so much fun when you are able to combine a sale with a coupon and get something free. Today I got 3 packages of Egg Creations Eggs for free and 1 package for .25! These normally cost close to 3.00 I think. They are not cheap and normally I can't afford them so I am eating fancy eggs for a bit!! YAY! I also found SideKicks on clearance for .59 and used a .25 coupon on them to get three for 1.00!! Usually the sale price for Sidekicks is 1.00 so this was so exciting! Plus my mom and I saw two carts where people didn't take out the Loonies so we got two loonies also! YAY! Who doesn't love free money? lol Plus I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and got LIfe Brand Lactaids for 9.99 each and would normally cost about 17.99 so I saved almost half! On Sunday my parents went to Safeway and got 2 packages of Hot Dog buns for .50 each (retail 3.00 normally) and 2 packages mini cupcakes for .50 (retail about 3.00?) and Strudals for .50 (easily normaly 3.00) and Pizza shells for .50 (retail-who knows?) We have been eating very well lately! This is how we afford to eat! lol I don't think we ever pay full price-I don't think we could afford to. So just the Safeway trip on Sunday my parents saved 15-20.00! Last week I went to Safeway and spent 13.00 and it would have cost 39.00! But personally who ever pays full price at Safeway is odd because Safeway's prices are inflated. Sorry lately we have been doing good on groceries which is good because money is tight. I like to share when we have found great deals because it is so exciting!
Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir win Gold in Ice Dance!!!
Hi again,
I know I have not been blogging about the other Canadian athletes that have won medals though I have meant to. I NEED to blog about Tessa and Scott though because this is so amazing that Canada won the first gold in Ice Dance ever! Russia has held the Gold in Ice Dance since 1960! The United States has not even won Gold in Ice Dance so this is AMAZING! Plus Tessa and Scott could not have been more deserving! They were so in sync and almost floating on the ice and the lifts and turns were so beautiful and magical and I was just getting goosebumps!!!! Plus the difficulty level in the lifts and turns and jumps was higher I think than others skating. I was almost in tears because it was so beautiful! I just am so proud of Tessa and Scott and ALL of our athletes whether they have won a medal or not. Congrats to Tessa and Scott and I hope they know how loved they are!
I know I have not been blogging about the other Canadian athletes that have won medals though I have meant to. I NEED to blog about Tessa and Scott though because this is so amazing that Canada won the first gold in Ice Dance ever! Russia has held the Gold in Ice Dance since 1960! The United States has not even won Gold in Ice Dance so this is AMAZING! Plus Tessa and Scott could not have been more deserving! They were so in sync and almost floating on the ice and the lifts and turns were so beautiful and magical and I was just getting goosebumps!!!! Plus the difficulty level in the lifts and turns and jumps was higher I think than others skating. I was almost in tears because it was so beautiful! I just am so proud of Tessa and Scott and ALL of our athletes whether they have won a medal or not. Congrats to Tessa and Scott and I hope they know how loved they are!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
It's been awhile!
Hi again,
I apologize for not writing for so long but lately I have been sort of immersed in everything Olympics. I love the Olympics and it is so fun to watch. I marvel at the abilities of the athletes who make these sports look so easy. Sometimes I wish I could do what they do and I wonder if that is normal? But I have my own talents and abilities that I must not forget about and continue to enjoy watching and marveling at what these athletes can do!
I wanted to also touch on what has happened since posting the post about my past if you don't mind. It is interesting because up till now I have had this secret that when I meet new people, I feel that if they ever found out then the friendship would be over. I feel as though they would not like the real me and they can't find out. I have to say this is quite a weight to carry around. I decided to post this about my past so that I am open about it and that it can't continue to have a hold on me. Talking about this openly on here has really actually helped in the sense that I am saying this is me and it is not a secret I am willing to carry around any longer. I am not saying that when I meet new people I will tell them this and be all open about everything but that it isn't something I will hide with worry that I will not be accepted. I feel as though I can walk a little taller now and I can be me without feeling I am worth less than other people. This may seem small to others but to me it is huge. I am hoping this is it and what happened to me as a child no longer has any hold over me what so ever. I feel as though I have shed the last of the weight from it that was weighing me down and I am free of it. This does not mean I won't have a problem with this when it happens to others and that I won't relate to others who have dealt with this but now it is something I can hopefully look at more objectively as a past experience that is no longer affecting me. Thanks again for reading my blog!
I apologize for not writing for so long but lately I have been sort of immersed in everything Olympics. I love the Olympics and it is so fun to watch. I marvel at the abilities of the athletes who make these sports look so easy. Sometimes I wish I could do what they do and I wonder if that is normal? But I have my own talents and abilities that I must not forget about and continue to enjoy watching and marveling at what these athletes can do!
I wanted to also touch on what has happened since posting the post about my past if you don't mind. It is interesting because up till now I have had this secret that when I meet new people, I feel that if they ever found out then the friendship would be over. I feel as though they would not like the real me and they can't find out. I have to say this is quite a weight to carry around. I decided to post this about my past so that I am open about it and that it can't continue to have a hold on me. Talking about this openly on here has really actually helped in the sense that I am saying this is me and it is not a secret I am willing to carry around any longer. I am not saying that when I meet new people I will tell them this and be all open about everything but that it isn't something I will hide with worry that I will not be accepted. I feel as though I can walk a little taller now and I can be me without feeling I am worth less than other people. This may seem small to others but to me it is huge. I am hoping this is it and what happened to me as a child no longer has any hold over me what so ever. I feel as though I have shed the last of the weight from it that was weighing me down and I am free of it. This does not mean I won't have a problem with this when it happens to others and that I won't relate to others who have dealt with this but now it is something I can hopefully look at more objectively as a past experience that is no longer affecting me. Thanks again for reading my blog!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Provincial Budget
Hello,
Well I am not sure I am happy with some of what is being done but happy with other areas. I am not happy with the cuts but I guess in all honesty any cut is bad. Here is a link to a CTV article outlining the details. Province Increases Health Spending I am happy that Healthcare is recieving more money but from what I see,other areas are recieving cuts because of it. I suppose we can't have it both ways. I guess gone are the days with Kline in control. I know Kline made cuts and what not and some of it is controversial but at least we were not in debt. As far as I can see, we are getting a worse level of service and spending way more to get it. I am not impressed at all by what they have decided in this budget. I am rather dissapointed actually and let's just say I didn't have high expectations for the government making the right choices.
Well I am not sure I am happy with some of what is being done but happy with other areas. I am not happy with the cuts but I guess in all honesty any cut is bad. Here is a link to a CTV article outlining the details. Province Increases Health Spending I am happy that Healthcare is recieving more money but from what I see,other areas are recieving cuts because of it. I suppose we can't have it both ways. I guess gone are the days with Kline in control. I know Kline made cuts and what not and some of it is controversial but at least we were not in debt. As far as I can see, we are getting a worse level of service and spending way more to get it. I am not impressed at all by what they have decided in this budget. I am rather dissapointed actually and let's just say I didn't have high expectations for the government making the right choices.
A part of my past
Hello,
This is something I have have been debating whether to post or not since it is a sensitive topic but I recently saw part of a show on Oprah (I actually had to watch it online because I missed it) that really got me thinking about that I should post this. I could not watch the entire episode because of the painful memories it brought back because I have not fully dealt with this and it is something I have hid from almost everyone for a very long time. But it needs to come out in hopes of helping others.
I was in grade 6 and I was molested by my science teacher. This teacher was a female which may or may not be odd. I personally would not use the word molest maybe but she did touch me inapropriately but I fought back so it didn't go very far for very long I don't think. I have blocked out alot of what happened but I remember enough to cause me lasting pain and scars emotionally. She was a new teacher to the school because the previous teacher had left. She started out with compliments and befriended me. Then it led to her brushing up against me and then she would be in the change rooms after swimming class to watch the girls (including me) change and would compliment our bodies. I do not know if other girls noticed really but because of what was going on with me-I think I was more aware of it. Then she started to touch me and I fought back. I knew it was wrong and I tried to fight it. I would go home ashamed and because of the hold this teacher had over me, I was unable to tell my mom so I would go home and cry. My mom knew something was wrong and forced it out of me though I do not remember that time telling her and what I told her. Apparently I never said anything about the touching to my mom and my mom only knew part of it. But we went to the school and the principle did not believe me. Apparently I was lying and just making stuff up. My home room teacher was not any better. It took sooo much courage for me to come forward and the principle didn't believe me and my home room teacher didn't just not believe me but told me I had to apologize to this teacher for making such awful accusations against such a wonderful teacher who would never do something like that. He even kept me in at recess one morning and read the bible to me and told me it was wrong to lie and I should get to know this teacher better and learn that she wasn't a bad person. To get him off my back so to speak, I started having lunch with her but as far as I know she no longer touched me but was mad at me for telling. She started emotional abuse and it was as bad as the touching I think. She blamed me and told me I was horrible and I would never amount to anything and that I ruined her life etc. I had to endure this a long time. I also had to deal with being in class with a homeroom teacher who thought I was lying. My parents were the only ones who believed me. I knew there were other girls that were not as lucky as me and were being taken into this private room having lots of stuff done to them. I have had so much guilt over not being able to do more that she would have been charged and had her license taken away. Then those other girls may not have had to go through as much as they did. She was just transfered to another school where I am positive she most likely tried it again. I felt and still feel guilt over this. I also felt ashamed over what was done to me and felt it was my fault and that I somehow asked for this. I have felt I am damaged somehow because of this and that no one would want to marry me if they knew. I have kept it a secret from people because I didn't want to lose friends if they found out. I have largely dealt with the whole thing and I feel I have forgiven her in a way but it is still hard to say that I forgive her. I know that to forgive a person does not mean you are saying what they did was right but that it is for you that you don't hold on to this thing that happened but in my mind to forgive her still feels like in some way I am saying that it is ok. What she did will never be ok and it is horrible what she did and I am sharing this because it still has a hold over me and I need to break that hold and not be afraid and also that maybe someone else will read this and know that it wasn't their fault either. That it is ok to forgive the person and that forgiving does not mean that waht the person did is ok but it is to help that person heal who is doing the forgiving. I am still dealing with this and may never fully deal with it and maybe that is ok to have anger against people who do such a terrible awful thing to children. But I can't let it be something that holds me back from enjoying life completely because then she wins and I can't let her do that. I am fine with men now and actually would love to get involved in a relationship but I still have difficulty trusting some women. I have to admit that trust can still be an issue with anyone-male or female but it is getting better. Thank you for listening to something that is not so easy to talk about or even listen to or hear.
This is something I have have been debating whether to post or not since it is a sensitive topic but I recently saw part of a show on Oprah (I actually had to watch it online because I missed it) that really got me thinking about that I should post this. I could not watch the entire episode because of the painful memories it brought back because I have not fully dealt with this and it is something I have hid from almost everyone for a very long time. But it needs to come out in hopes of helping others.
I was in grade 6 and I was molested by my science teacher. This teacher was a female which may or may not be odd. I personally would not use the word molest maybe but she did touch me inapropriately but I fought back so it didn't go very far for very long I don't think. I have blocked out alot of what happened but I remember enough to cause me lasting pain and scars emotionally. She was a new teacher to the school because the previous teacher had left. She started out with compliments and befriended me. Then it led to her brushing up against me and then she would be in the change rooms after swimming class to watch the girls (including me) change and would compliment our bodies. I do not know if other girls noticed really but because of what was going on with me-I think I was more aware of it. Then she started to touch me and I fought back. I knew it was wrong and I tried to fight it. I would go home ashamed and because of the hold this teacher had over me, I was unable to tell my mom so I would go home and cry. My mom knew something was wrong and forced it out of me though I do not remember that time telling her and what I told her. Apparently I never said anything about the touching to my mom and my mom only knew part of it. But we went to the school and the principle did not believe me. Apparently I was lying and just making stuff up. My home room teacher was not any better. It took sooo much courage for me to come forward and the principle didn't believe me and my home room teacher didn't just not believe me but told me I had to apologize to this teacher for making such awful accusations against such a wonderful teacher who would never do something like that. He even kept me in at recess one morning and read the bible to me and told me it was wrong to lie and I should get to know this teacher better and learn that she wasn't a bad person. To get him off my back so to speak, I started having lunch with her but as far as I know she no longer touched me but was mad at me for telling. She started emotional abuse and it was as bad as the touching I think. She blamed me and told me I was horrible and I would never amount to anything and that I ruined her life etc. I had to endure this a long time. I also had to deal with being in class with a homeroom teacher who thought I was lying. My parents were the only ones who believed me. I knew there were other girls that were not as lucky as me and were being taken into this private room having lots of stuff done to them. I have had so much guilt over not being able to do more that she would have been charged and had her license taken away. Then those other girls may not have had to go through as much as they did. She was just transfered to another school where I am positive she most likely tried it again. I felt and still feel guilt over this. I also felt ashamed over what was done to me and felt it was my fault and that I somehow asked for this. I have felt I am damaged somehow because of this and that no one would want to marry me if they knew. I have kept it a secret from people because I didn't want to lose friends if they found out. I have largely dealt with the whole thing and I feel I have forgiven her in a way but it is still hard to say that I forgive her. I know that to forgive a person does not mean you are saying what they did was right but that it is for you that you don't hold on to this thing that happened but in my mind to forgive her still feels like in some way I am saying that it is ok. What she did will never be ok and it is horrible what she did and I am sharing this because it still has a hold over me and I need to break that hold and not be afraid and also that maybe someone else will read this and know that it wasn't their fault either. That it is ok to forgive the person and that forgiving does not mean that waht the person did is ok but it is to help that person heal who is doing the forgiving. I am still dealing with this and may never fully deal with it and maybe that is ok to have anger against people who do such a terrible awful thing to children. But I can't let it be something that holds me back from enjoying life completely because then she wins and I can't let her do that. I am fine with men now and actually would love to get involved in a relationship but I still have difficulty trusting some women. I have to admit that trust can still be an issue with anyone-male or female but it is getting better. Thank you for listening to something that is not so easy to talk about or even listen to or hear.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Provincial Budget
Hi again,
Well it is that time again. The Provincial budget is being released this week and I am actually curious to see what the details will be. I am sitting here wondering if they actually fixed some of what they screwed up or just screwed up further. Until Liepert was moved-I had lost all faith in Stelmach and the rest of the party and was really fed up with everything being done. Now that Stelmach actually listened to people for a change and moved Liepert, I am willing to hear what he has to say but I am not making any promises in voting for the Tories in the next election. I am still pretty ticked off at them for everything that has happened. From Liepert screwing up healthcare to decisions made by the Tories in other areas, I have very little faith in them at this point. I expect more of the same in the budget but maybe not completely the same. As you may already suspect, I will of course be giving my thoughts on it when it comes out. So stay tuned. lol
Well it is that time again. The Provincial budget is being released this week and I am actually curious to see what the details will be. I am sitting here wondering if they actually fixed some of what they screwed up or just screwed up further. Until Liepert was moved-I had lost all faith in Stelmach and the rest of the party and was really fed up with everything being done. Now that Stelmach actually listened to people for a change and moved Liepert, I am willing to hear what he has to say but I am not making any promises in voting for the Tories in the next election. I am still pretty ticked off at them for everything that has happened. From Liepert screwing up healthcare to decisions made by the Tories in other areas, I have very little faith in them at this point. I expect more of the same in the budget but maybe not completely the same. As you may already suspect, I will of course be giving my thoughts on it when it comes out. So stay tuned. lol
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Anyone else annoyed by the Danny Williams coverage?
Hi again,
Well I think I can say that the media FINALLY stopped covering the story about Danny Williams having surgery in the states. How was that ever news? I mean ok it could be news that he has to have surgery but that wasn't the focus. They had to focus on him going to the states for it! I mean really? Is there nothing else more important to cover? Personally I think he did it just to hopefully make people dislike Harper more because he supposedly could not get the healthcare here. He has it in for Harper so I would not put this past him. Sorry but Danny Williams annoys me and I apologize if this is offensive to anyone. I am just saying what is on my mind is all. thanks for listening.
Well I think I can say that the media FINALLY stopped covering the story about Danny Williams having surgery in the states. How was that ever news? I mean ok it could be news that he has to have surgery but that wasn't the focus. They had to focus on him going to the states for it! I mean really? Is there nothing else more important to cover? Personally I think he did it just to hopefully make people dislike Harper more because he supposedly could not get the healthcare here. He has it in for Harper so I would not put this past him. Sorry but Danny Williams annoys me and I apologize if this is offensive to anyone. I am just saying what is on my mind is all. thanks for listening.
Friday, February 5, 2010
been another looong week!
Hi again,
Sorry for not writing. I have had a busy week!!! I love being busy-I haven't had that feeling of being busy for a long time! I remember when I was recovering from surgery and having to lay in bed and get creative with my time because there was so much of it! lol Then as I started healing, I started having more than one option of what I could do and it felt amazing! Now I am getting back into having lots I can do but having to pace myself since I am still not quite recovered. Wow it has been a long recovery though! But that is what I get for having two back surgeries I suppose.
This week started out with me being very sick and I could barely even sit up. I still have no idea what caused it but I have a feeling it was Tuna that was bad. Tuesday I got back to doing stuff. I organized a card exchange on Smart Canucks and it has been fantastic and has definitely filled some of my day that has been empty which has been quite fun! So this week I have been updating info on who has recieved cards and who still has yet to get theirs etc. Wednesday I went in to town to the post office because I had a parcel to pick up and it was from a gift exchange I took part in also and it was the most amazing and perfect gift!!! We have never met but this lady and I chat online sometimes and she actually picked up on something I posted once that I am a peanut butter fanatic (I posted this at Christmas) and gave me peanut butter as part of my gift!!! That meant so sooo much to me that she remembered! She also added scrapbooking supplies for my new hobby of scrapbooking/cardmaking I have recently picked up and treats for my kitty Felix and a ton of other great stuff! Then yesterday I spent time taking it easy because my back has been having alot of spasms again lately. So I spent time reading and went for a walk outside and took photos of the frost on the trees. Then last night my mom and I made supper and we made a Thai peanut dish that turned out really well! My dad didn't have a clue how to describe it to someone who phoned him last night but said it tasted really good. lol Today was shopping day(well this morning was lol). My mom, sister and I go shopping together and today we got groceries and some other shopping that had to be done and I also had another parcel to pick up! lol I bought some books online and I can't wait to read them! I spent the evening making Valentine's cards for my family too. Tomorrow I am going with my dad to Blackfalds to drop off a special package to a special person that I can not name in case she reads this. hehe. I am so excited!!!! Then my dad is taking me to A&W for lunch! Well I am exhausted so I am going to bed but I would like to leave you with a photo I took this morning of the view from my window because the frost on the trees was so beautiful!
Sorry for not writing. I have had a busy week!!! I love being busy-I haven't had that feeling of being busy for a long time! I remember when I was recovering from surgery and having to lay in bed and get creative with my time because there was so much of it! lol Then as I started healing, I started having more than one option of what I could do and it felt amazing! Now I am getting back into having lots I can do but having to pace myself since I am still not quite recovered. Wow it has been a long recovery though! But that is what I get for having two back surgeries I suppose.
This week started out with me being very sick and I could barely even sit up. I still have no idea what caused it but I have a feeling it was Tuna that was bad. Tuesday I got back to doing stuff. I organized a card exchange on Smart Canucks and it has been fantastic and has definitely filled some of my day that has been empty which has been quite fun! So this week I have been updating info on who has recieved cards and who still has yet to get theirs etc. Wednesday I went in to town to the post office because I had a parcel to pick up and it was from a gift exchange I took part in also and it was the most amazing and perfect gift!!! We have never met but this lady and I chat online sometimes and she actually picked up on something I posted once that I am a peanut butter fanatic (I posted this at Christmas) and gave me peanut butter as part of my gift!!! That meant so sooo much to me that she remembered! She also added scrapbooking supplies for my new hobby of scrapbooking/cardmaking I have recently picked up and treats for my kitty Felix and a ton of other great stuff! Then yesterday I spent time taking it easy because my back has been having alot of spasms again lately. So I spent time reading and went for a walk outside and took photos of the frost on the trees. Then last night my mom and I made supper and we made a Thai peanut dish that turned out really well! My dad didn't have a clue how to describe it to someone who phoned him last night but said it tasted really good. lol Today was shopping day(well this morning was lol). My mom, sister and I go shopping together and today we got groceries and some other shopping that had to be done and I also had another parcel to pick up! lol I bought some books online and I can't wait to read them! I spent the evening making Valentine's cards for my family too. Tomorrow I am going with my dad to Blackfalds to drop off a special package to a special person that I can not name in case she reads this. hehe. I am so excited!!!! Then my dad is taking me to A&W for lunch! Well I am exhausted so I am going to bed but I would like to leave you with a photo I took this morning of the view from my window because the frost on the trees was so beautiful!
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