Changes

Hi again,
I want to talk about something that I have continually struggled to put into words. It is about what I have dealt with physically through the surgeries I have had. Of course not everything because that would take a long time and I can explain most of it perfectly. Long story short-it hurts.lol But this one part of it has been something that has affected me so much. That part is the loss of strength that came with the surgery. Before the initial back surgery, I had alot of issues physically and could not work or really do alot of anything and was in chronic pain but I took pride in the fact that despite all of this, I had worked hard to keep my muscle strength. I was strong and I was complimented on it sometimes also. I loved it. Despite all the physical challenges I had-I could be strong still, well at least in some ways. I could lift heavy objects and I didn't need to ask for help from a strong man so to speak. lol But I never really realized (nor did it occur to me) that I would lose most of it with the surgery. But I did. I went to the hospital and went to sleep for the surgery and 9hrs later I woke up with out the strength to even lift a glass of water or pull myself up in the bed. My back of course was in a ton of pain and when it came time to walk again, it felt as if I had to relearn how. My legs didn't even have the strength I had before. Walking just to the bathroom required a nurse. lol 2 surgeries later and lots of recovery and physio, the thing that I have struggled to explain is how it felt. When I got out of the hospital-I automatically went to open the door and when I got home I would start to do a simple movement that I had done millions of times before and I would not be able to. Pain would quickly shoot through my back and body plus my muscles just didn't have any strength. But in my memory I knew I had done it before and I guess without thinking I thought I could still do it. I had a lot of hard lessons! lol I realized how to explain it this way- I feel like I was put into another body that is not mine and I still have the memories of before with the strength and ability I had but the body I have had this past while is not the same one. The limitations have been so big compared to what I dealt with before. These limitations are not permanent of course and come with the extensive surgery I went through where my muscles in my back were cut through to get to my spine. But to lose so much ability was so hard and to have to depend on other people just to change my clothes or have a shower or pour out a glass of juice when I had that strength before that I loved....it has been hard. I spent alot of time being embarrassed to ask and alot of times trying to do it on my own to avoid the embarrassment of having to admit I couldn't do something which would end in lots of pain. I have come so far and I am doing so many things again that I haven't been able to do till now but I still have stuff that I go to do that I used to do daily and pain shoots through my body reminding me that my body still isn't the same yet as it was. The interesting thing is trying to lift or pull objects that seemed so light to me before but are now seem so heavy and almost impossible to lift- in my mind I don't remember it being so heavy... lol But through all of this I have learned to accept help...well mostly. lol Which is something I have always had issues with. I have also learned so much that I can relate to others in ways I would not be able to had I not gone through this. Also having gone through this, I get this sense of joy when I can open a window now because I remember what it was like to not be able to do such a simple task. I guess it reminds me of the post I made earlier about winter and spring and how it relates to our lives. How winter helps us realize how amazing summer is. In the same way, going through this experience has taught me to not take anything for granted because I have realized what it is like to have something taken away even if only for a short time in my life. Then getting it back has given me this joy that I would not have felt otherwise. I apologize that this is so long and I wish I was more succinct and to the point but sadly I am not. lol I can be a little long winded I think the term is. lol Also I am still struggling to explain how I feel through this. I hope that maybe this may help someone in some way. I have no idea how but who knows right? lol I am just trying to be honest here with the stuff I face in my life and this is one that I face daily and have just recently realized how to put it into words. Thanks again for reading.